Short story revisions

The smell of fresh grease always brings back memories of dad…my nose now recognizing the smell: fast food. Dad was home.
I added this sentence near the beginning of my story. It adds details about Joey's dad physically while letting us know how Joey is reminded of his father. It also helps add to the family's problem of obesity. It shows the source of the problem.

Later I did the "Whats at Stake" exercise and gathered that popularity and football as well as health are at stake for Joey. These things begin to mean more and more to him as the story goes on.

Lastly I did "With revision comes final meaning" I added a last sentence to my story that says "Determination makes all the difference”, he said quietly. I then went back through and made sure Joey's struggle with weight loss backed this last sentence and added more value to it.

After doing these exercises I realized my story was a summary. I changed a lot of it so it didn't say "he did this" but said "I did this". I also realized I needed to add a little more struggle within dialogue.

Exercises 43, 44, and 45

Grandfather is complaining about the fever spreading. He is worried about mother out on the town gathering fruits from the local markets. He knows that the fever is taking the lives of many and I can sense the worry in his look. Mother hasn't returned by nightfall and grandfather begins saying "she's fine" but the sound of his voice lets me know of his lie. I too have begun to worry. I just sit there, taking it all in, letting him vent and release.
After we close the doors and kick out the drunks from the bar, I begin doing dishes, a job usually finished by mother. I try comforting grandfather, "Mom will be fine, she's probably just run along to visit Jill before heading home. They haven't had tea together lately." (Knock, Knock, Knock). I hear an echo from the door stating that mother has been admitted to the hospital, a soapy plate grandfather was drying hits the floor with a sharp crack, followed by the fall of a 150-pound man.
After we visit the hospital and find out mother won't make it much longer grandfather is a total wreck. I feel immediately replaced as mother and begin to comfort grandfather, we had just lost grandmother a few months ago. I am a wreck as well, but I have learned to not show my tears and to know life moves on. I want to put mother out of her misery, have the chords pulled but grandfather just cannot do that to his little girl. I want her out of pain, I want her to meet our savior without going through hell first. Grandfather just cannot do it. We stay distant from one another, simply avoiding each other so we don't have to discuss it, it would just led to tears because both of us want mother to live. The next few days are hell.

Story Idea 2

Character: Allison Nosilla, age 19, fresh out of high school, working at the local Dairy.
Conflict: Everyone makes fun of her name, writing it backwards produces the same thing, like racecar.
Resolution: Meets boy named Eric Cire. He understands how she feels because he has the same problem.
Will Happen: A few years later they get married but decide to keep their own unique names and become know as the backwards, yet cute, pair.

Writing Week 3

Nicholas Venner, an average kid working at McDonald's to make ends meet throughout high school. His life soon changes as he enters the Air Force. Nicholas works his way through basic training hell and is deployed here, state-side. Cutting roughly twenty pounds, quite a hunk in a woman's words. He is ecstatic that he stays state-side but hates being twelve hours from home. Nick's usual day: up and breakfast by 3:55, work 4am-8pm, home, phone, and repeat. Nick pushes through his work working two days having off three, then working three days having off two. He is proud of his job and works hard to protect the "weapons" on the base. Normally Nick drives around in Humvees sporting his farmers tan while protecting the base and playing pranks on his coworkers. You see, some days Nick has to drive around others he just has to sit in the truck and watch the flight line. The worst thing that could happen on the flight line, besides getting ready for war, would be falling asleep. Nick is quite a prankster, standing at 5'8 he still rules the town. Instead of calling it in when someone falls asleep Nick just sharpies their faces. When that gets old he fills their buras with mustard and then calls over the radio for them to stand at attention. Jumping from the trucks and whipping on their caps makes for quite a scene.


I couldn't think of a good scene and character for this one... =/

Story Idea

My short story is going to be on a family struggling to lose weight. The family has many complications but decided to start a healthier lifestyle so they will be around longer as healthy and more positive individuals. The family will ride quite a rollercoaster over the next year....will it all work out and be worth it in the end?!

Week 2 Exercises

Exercise 53: Normally, Sarah Fletcher goes about her everyday tasks of tending to the elderly. Sarah has always loved her job at the Adult Foster Care even from the time her mother worked there and she got to go along. Sarah checks each chore off the chart in the morning after she completes it: make breakfast, make beds, do dishes, showers, ironing, and the list goes on. Early in the week she had heard that the weather forecasted for the weekend wasn't going to be spectacular. As the weekend crept closer word came that a hurricane would soon hit Florida near the Adult Foster Care. Sarah and the fellow employees started preparing but did not plan on moving the patients but rather to ride out the storm. All was well that morning, the skies were murky with clouds, and the oceans waves hit land harder than usual. Sarah woke early to go in town for all the necessities to ride out the storm. Driving down the road the radio warned of bad conditions and we're evacuating the area. Sarah grew worried, they would not have time to move all the patients...she began thinking just get supplies...we will be fine. Sarah stops with the flow of traffic, CRAP!, a traffic jam. It looks like everyone is fleeing town, just then over the radio an emergency announcement comes on the hurricane is coming sooner than expected. Now Sarah starts to tense up, panicking. She has to get to the market and get back to the poor patients at the old folks home...but she can't possibly make it back if she waits for all of this traffic. Just then she sees a couple unloading their bicycles from their vehicle. It turns out they cannot make the trip away with them. PERFECT, the bikes as some older peoples bikes have large unattractive baskets on the front. This basket will be perfect for carrying all the necessities back home and she will be able to travel in between the stopped cars to make it back home in time. Now that this problem is solved, we hope the bigger problem goes well for Sarah, the employees, and the patients at Palm Adult Foster Care.

Exercise 54: Nadine, the lovely waiter down at Benny's Big Breakfast has quite a reputation around this town. And we're not talking a bad reputation. Nadine is known as the best waitress, she can brighten anyone’s day with her genuine smile and rhyming menus that are oh so catchy! One of Nadine’s most famous entrees is her “Get ride of your bless you’s with warm campfire stew,” this one if by far the best for another feeling a little under the weather. On Monday’s Benny’s is hopping with customers. Why its Nadine’s day for breakfast and she makes another one of her scrumptious famous dishes. This one is the “waffle your way in her and get a bite to eat.” Everyone from the small little town of Cooksville stops at Benny’s for a bite to eat on Monday’s before heading out of town for their daily routines. See Cooksville isn’t too big of a town but Nadine is not only known for her meals in Cooksville but also in the all nine counties nearest Cooksville. One day Nadine is finding herself being experimental. “Hum Hum Hum” she mumbles as she stirs the tart fresh squeezed oranges in with some chicken to give a great oriental flavor. Nadine is making her newest item to add to her menu. As she stirs up the dressing ingredients she begins to think of one of her famous names for the dish. “Nadine’s Specialty? NO. Add some chicken to keep ya kickin’? No, that sounds like your going to keel anytime,” say Nadine. Well you see Nadine is so good at coming up with catchy names she usually uses the first one she thinks of. But today is different, Nadine has already gone through two names and she despises both of them. She begins to feel like a failure. She cannot possibly promote this new dish with a dull name. “What am I going to do,” she wonders. “If I ask someone then they will get the credit and word will go around that I couldn’t think of a name?! WHAT DO I DO!?” She begins to panic when her young five year old comes into the kitchen. “Mommy, what are you cookin’?”, says the child, “Oh nothing, don’t worry about it” Nadine says with a frantic. The child takes a big gasp of air and says “It smells like oranges?! YAY! What are they for? The mom gives in and vents to the young girl. “Its chicken and its going to be the dressing!” I cannot think of a name for this recipe though! “OH NO says the child, “Why don’t you call it ready for chicken mommy?” “That’s not catchy enough honey,” says Nadine. “OH MY GOSH. Thanks honey I have the perfect name!” Now Wednesday nights is a big hit down at Benny’s, as people demand the Orange ya ready for some Chicken?! Dish.

Exercise 56: Continued…(TIMELINE OF PROM EVENTS).
On the way to a once in a lifetime event for any teenage all hell brakes loose and the new young couples car breaks down:
1. Miss prom; call their parents for a ride home.
2. Have friends pick them up, will be late but won’t miss prom.
3. Wait for a vehicle to drive by while enjoying the night dancing to music from the radio and watching the stars.
4. Get into a fight, break up or have a major argument,
5. Fix the vehicle themselves and rush off to prom.

Exercise 57: The occasion is once again Prom. This is the night seniors get to relax and enjoy all the spectacular decorations and activities the juniors put on. Erica is excited for a fun night at prom with all of her girlfriends. She is very pleased with the last hurrah for the year before graduation. Everything goes great but towards the nightcap her ultimate crush asks her to slow dance. She totally wasn’t expecting this but it just thrilled. Erica had just hoped for a good night but this tops that and is the BEST night. To make things better he later asks her where she is going after prom? He wants to hang out. Erica is so happy, she got a wonderful prom and an even better and handsome surprise to hangout with after.

I liked this assignment. I actually don't mind coming up with my own little corny stories. I think I just dislike writing so much because each teacher tries to perfect and completely tears apart your work. I feel like I can write for enjoyment in here while getting graded. I still don't mind a little criticism! =]

Intro Week Exercises! Pg 40 and Pg 69

Her long french braided hair blows in the wind as she holds on her huge glasses while running to first base. At the end of her blond braids are two gaudy bows, ones to big for any person. Her name is Delainey. She's the type to say she has four dogs if you have one. Delainey and I unfortunately had to communicate quite a bit, you see, she was my partner in art and my competition for first base in softball. She always had to say she did better, I say this because she didn't necessary do better she just said she did.
Ten years from now I hear "Get me another beer Del!" from her low-life husband. The husband of her third child. The first two children's dad is in prison. Using her income from nursing to support her kids, husband, and horses she can barely make ends meet. Her fridge full of gross Italian meatloaf, smelly Swiss cheese, and some canned spinach. The other fridge you see if reserved for ALCOHOL! As she runs the children to school she throws the empty water bottles, fast food wrappers, and clothing from her rusty '96 Buick. She's one of those type to say "do as I say not as I do" Being a nurse and all she reminds people all day of how important it is to not smoke, eat right, and exercise daily...while every hour on the hour she goes "out back" and lights one. Her closet reminds me of Sweet Home Alabama, where they wear designer knockoffs like Jaclyn Smith from the local K-Mart.


*** Wow! It's the first assignment and it brings out a lot of negativity in me. I'm usually not this judgemental and mean...I promise! It's like a lot of thoughts I have had against her all came out into a funny yet realistic story. I liked this assignment!