The smell of fresh grease always brings back memories of dad…my nose now recognizing the smell: fast food. Dad was home.
I added this sentence near the beginning of my story. It adds details about Joey's dad physically while letting us know how Joey is reminded of his father. It also helps add to the family's problem of obesity. It shows the source of the problem.
Later I did the "Whats at Stake" exercise and gathered that popularity and football as well as health are at stake for Joey. These things begin to mean more and more to him as the story goes on.
Lastly I did "With revision comes final meaning" I added a last sentence to my story that says "Determination makes all the difference”, he said quietly. I then went back through and made sure Joey's struggle with weight loss backed this last sentence and added more value to it.
After doing these exercises I realized my story was a summary. I changed a lot of it so it didn't say "he did this" but said "I did this". I also realized I needed to add a little more struggle within dialogue.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Exercises 43, 44, and 45
Grandfather is complaining about the fever spreading. He is worried about mother out on the town gathering fruits from the local markets. He knows that the fever is taking the lives of many and I can sense the worry in his look. Mother hasn't returned by nightfall and grandfather begins saying "she's fine" but the sound of his voice lets me know of his lie. I too have begun to worry. I just sit there, taking it all in, letting him vent and release.
After we close the doors and kick out the drunks from the bar, I begin doing dishes, a job usually finished by mother. I try comforting grandfather, "Mom will be fine, she's probably just run along to visit Jill before heading home. They haven't had tea together lately." (Knock, Knock, Knock). I hear an echo from the door stating that mother has been admitted to the hospital, a soapy plate grandfather was drying hits the floor with a sharp crack, followed by the fall of a 150-pound man.
After we visit the hospital and find out mother won't make it much longer grandfather is a total wreck. I feel immediately replaced as mother and begin to comfort grandfather, we had just lost grandmother a few months ago. I am a wreck as well, but I have learned to not show my tears and to know life moves on. I want to put mother out of her misery, have the chords pulled but grandfather just cannot do that to his little girl. I want her out of pain, I want her to meet our savior without going through hell first. Grandfather just cannot do it. We stay distant from one another, simply avoiding each other so we don't have to discuss it, it would just led to tears because both of us want mother to live. The next few days are hell.
After we close the doors and kick out the drunks from the bar, I begin doing dishes, a job usually finished by mother. I try comforting grandfather, "Mom will be fine, she's probably just run along to visit Jill before heading home. They haven't had tea together lately." (Knock, Knock, Knock). I hear an echo from the door stating that mother has been admitted to the hospital, a soapy plate grandfather was drying hits the floor with a sharp crack, followed by the fall of a 150-pound man.
After we visit the hospital and find out mother won't make it much longer grandfather is a total wreck. I feel immediately replaced as mother and begin to comfort grandfather, we had just lost grandmother a few months ago. I am a wreck as well, but I have learned to not show my tears and to know life moves on. I want to put mother out of her misery, have the chords pulled but grandfather just cannot do that to his little girl. I want her out of pain, I want her to meet our savior without going through hell first. Grandfather just cannot do it. We stay distant from one another, simply avoiding each other so we don't have to discuss it, it would just led to tears because both of us want mother to live. The next few days are hell.
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